Conversations about life & privacy in the digital age

The Garfleburgers of Spalagnatz IV

“Do you remember the garfleburgers of Spalagnatz IV? No, I guess you probably don’t. Even nowadays putting a brain in a tin can is a tricky procedure, and it was downright dangerous when you were transcribed. I’m sure a lot of good memories got lost then, but it’s not like we had much of a choice. But don’t worry, I’m here to help recover some of those memories.

“Anyway, the garfleburgers… You begged mom to let you go to Spalagnatz IV for spring break, and she would only let you go if I came along. I wasn’t too happy about having to play chaperone, but I was glad to get out of the house. So that July you and I hopped a spaceliner to Spalagnatz IV where we found the garfleburgers… Well, I should back up a bit.

“Spalagnatz IV was a natural paradise planet in the Hyperion cluster. It orbits a yellow star much like the sun, but it burned a little brighter, so the native plants were blue-green. Humans immediately saw its large tropical zone as an opportunity and turned it into the biggest beach party in the universe.

“After checking in at the hotel, you met this guy, his name was Venutias. Half Beloran, I think. He was also on spring break, and had been to Spalagnatz IV a couple of times before, so he offered to show you around. I, of course, didn’t trust him one bit, so I made a point of it by tagging along.

“We went to the beach which was completely crowded despite there being several thousand miles of it. Their sand is pink… something to do with extra iron in the soil or something. We swam and had a good time. Turns out Venutias was an alright guy. Some stellahead jock tripped over our towel and then started giving you crap for it. Venutias told him in no uncertain terms to get lost, and the jock left without a fight.

“Anyway, we had dinner at this little burger shack he knew about which had the ‘best garfleburgers on the planet.’ A garfle was apparently a native animal. Seemed kind of touristy. Their idea of a hamburger was pretty strange, too. Burger, chili sauce, onion, green pepper, marshmallow creme, and cream cheese in a small pie shell. Frickin’ weird. It was alright, though. You could barely taste the garfle over all the toppings, but I guess that was the point. I looked it up the other day. A garfle is a small scavenger animal, like a squirrel. Apparently they run rampant all over Spalagnatz IV, and selling garfleburgers to tourists is just one of the ways they keep the population under control.

“By the time we left, you definitely had a crush on Venutias. But like most interstellar romances, it was just not meant to happen. We went back to Earth and he went home to Balora, and we never saw him again. I suppose it was for the best. After you died and they translated your mind to digital, there wasn’t much left for you in the physical world. Maybe some day I’ll get to see what it’s like in there.

“Anyway, I have to get back to work. I’ll see you later, sis. I love you.”

Comments

  1. SpiderOak Matt says:

    Pure amazing.

  2. Laura says:

    I spent the first five paragraphs of this convinced this was a pastiche of something – maybe Hitchhiker's Guide? – but I couldn't decide what. Or is this just a work of original insanity? Either way, fun. =)

  3. Chip says:

    No, it's just a work of original insanity. Linzi said we could write "ANYthing," so I felt compelled to do something unexpected.

  4. Paul @ SO says:

    Now I want to go to Spalagnatz IV!